Becoming Gentle: Where's The Love?

 I have been trying for over 2 weeks to write a post on how things have been going with my gentleness journey. But everytime i try the words don't come out right or they get jumbled with a million things i want to say. I've come SO far but still have so far to go as well...
 
Right now im at the point where im trying to find out when im being too strict and how to look at my kids as kids instead of as 'little people i need to train'. I have this constant fear that if i am not 100% on top of my discipline with them then i am a failure. That my kids will rebel against me as soon as they become teenagers. And they will never learn to follow God. I am all for being consistent but i was feeling the need to discipline them about every little thing they did. Everything. Instead of giving them a fair warning. And i would never look at the situation and ask myself why they were doing what they were doing or even stop to think if it was really anything major. Instead i would fly off the handle immediately. But God is so good and so forgiving. And He is still continually showing me SO much and opening my eyes to see my kids the way HE sees them. I have asked Him to do so many times in prayer. I pray almost daily for God to teach me how to gently love and guide my children. Instead of being a tough, loud dictator over them for fear that i am ruining them by showing them even the slightest bit of grace. But my sweet friends God has been showing me the exact opposite.

 By trying to get my kids to obey like soldiers i am now fearful i am ruining their little impressionable souls. (Boy this next part is hard to admit..) They are learning how to snap at the drop of a hat, yell at their siblings and undermine their father. They are learning how to be serious and never let go or have a little fun. They are learning that it is not ok to show grace to someone. They are learning to let their worries control their reactions. My girls are learning how to be non-submissive wives. They are learning how to be the opposite of everything i want them to be. I would get so irritated when i would hear them yell at eachother. And they sounded JUST LIKE ME. I hated this. You know what else i hated? Hearing my kids pray at night that mommy wouldn't yell at them or discipline out of anger. It is because they've heard me pray it with them many times, but to still hear them pray for it, shatters my heart. More times than i can count i have thought 'If only i could go back in time and start parenting all over, id do it right this time and they'd be so much better because of it.' I can't go back in time but i can keep striving every single day to be the kind of parent God wants me to be and that i yearn to be.

 Lately i have been stopping myself and thinking before i speak to them or act. I try to only discipline in love and speak softer. I could go on and on about all the ways God has changed my heart but this post would be pages long ;) But seeing the difference in my kids is what will make it all worth it. I want them to love others more than themselves. I want them to be more nervous when i speak quietly when correcting them than when i was shouting. I want to cuddle them more, read them extra bedtime stories, pray with them more, turn off the computer, make them laugh. I want them to know how much i love them. I want them to have amazing memories of a mommy who would do anything for them. Even change her hard ways.

 (I apologize if this post is all over the place. It's hard for me to put into words how i feel and this was the best way i could do it). God bless you guys!